In its ongoing efforts to capitalize off of every aspect of human existence, Apple Inc. finalized its purchase of the popular pancake restaurant chain International House of Pancakes, or IHOP, last Friday.

“The idea is to appeal to the younger, hipper pancake eating generation,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “We also wanted to create a place where our loyal customers feel right at home. And let’s face it, there’s no place more comforting for a hardcore computer geek than in the cozy quarters of an all-night diner.”

The new ownership will see many changes for the 49-year-old pancake house. Apple plans to wash away the familiar sleazy ambience staffed with crotchety old women and illegal immigrants with that of a more user-friendly atmosphere. In fact, virtually all of the restaurant’s main functions will be executed by machines. Dining will be as easy as a mouse click, utilizing touch screen interfaces for everything from ordering your meal to paying your tab. And if for some unforeseen reason the system crashes, you can simply send an error email to the general manager and expect a snappy response in no less than a week’s time.

“Our hope is to have no more than three people on staff inside the restaurant at any given time,” said Apple P.R. representative Martin Stavely. “A head cook to delegate our state-of-the-art kitchen, a general manager to oversee the restaurant operations, and a busboy to mop, or whatever the hell they do. I mean, honestly, what more do you need?”

Each booth will feature docking stations for all Apple products, and free wireless internet is available for all customers. The interior design of the diner will receive a complete facelift – the traditional blue vinyl booths and plastic benches will be replaced with black and white leather, and the dull white tabletops substituted with stainless steel.

“Whose design was that in the first place?” Stavely continued. “It’s like the national colors of trashy sinkholes. You’d almost expect a two-dollar whore to take your order.”

In response to the announcement, Apple enthusiasts have begun flocking to their respective iHop locations to build support for the company’s new venture.

Jonathan Gray, 22

:	“The iHop is easily the greatest all-night pancake restaurant chain in the known world,” said 22-year-old Mac addict Jonathan Gray. “I don’t understand how people can choose any other diner when this one’s so obviously superior. Especially those idiots over at Denny’s.”3 tonnes

1. Volcanon says:
   July 30th, 2007 at 1:51 pm

   Touché. Fake News Friday FTW!

2. Nettle says:
   July 31st, 2007 at 9:57 pm

   I also heard that Apple is in talks to purchase the state of iDaho.

3. AdamK says:
   August 1st, 2007 at 8:09 am

   “I also heard that Apple is in talks to purchase the state of iDaho.”

   Been done:

   http://nextlust.com/apple-wont-stop-at-iphone-how-about-an-icountry

4. Revofreak says:
   October 30th, 2007 at 6:35 am

   Would you like apple sauce…

5. anniesund says:
   January 17th, 2008 at 10:08 pm

   Don’t really care who purchases IHOP, but maybe they should realize that there is a lot more to running an infamous restaurant such as IHOP than what the new CEO is proposing.