Try driving around with this thing for a month- your life will be forever changed. Of course, you will probably get beat up by whoever it is that your avoiding.

My mom emailed me this today, and I think that it is really well done.

Fred Rated, the spokesperson/advertiser/random crap extraordinare, has done over one thousand commercials for the tech product chain store The Federated Group, and his advertising contract lasted for six years. The once large chain, with a force of 14 stores that grew to 78 different locations stationed in five states, had a huge increase in sales after the Fred Rated commercials started airing. Shadoe Stevens, the man behind the over-the-top and occasionally ridiculous television ads, has always been a genius marketer, and this legendary advertising campaign is probably the best example.

Now, sit back and watch these video montages of the best Fred Rated ads ever, and finally realize what your life was missing- store ads that made you laugh (or cry). Why doesn’t Best Buy, Fry’s Electronics, Circuit City, or any other electronic store have this much awesome in their ads? The world may never know.

If you can still look yourself in the mirror after watching that commercial collage, then please watch this one too:

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Oh how blinded we nerds are, we have all become such fanboys, ranters and hypocrites that no one is willing to take our biased opinions seriously anymore. Thank God someone has stepped in to show us the way, plus he boinks a bunch of chicks for money.

“American icon, Ron Jeremy, fresh off of his book tour, New York Times feature story and his second run on the Surreal Life, is teaming with Heavy news and hosting his own technology review show.

Each irreverent, Andy Rooney-style review of technology starts with an informative open, then Ron takes to the street to find out what the people think about cellphones, video games, cars and more-and finally gives his conclusion on the nature of technology in society.”

Cellphones? Video games? Cars?! For the love of all that is holy, please sign me up. Techsmart with Ron Jeremy airs today one Heavy.com, check out the direct link here.

And if just can’t wait to see Ron in action doing something non-penetrating, check out his amazing acting range in classy movies like Charlie’s Death Wish. Seriously, no boinking.

 Comedians these days. In my day if you wanted a fresh joke you had to work for it. You took the bus upstate to Ithaca. Back then Marty Sheffield knew all the swell jokes. Jokes that’d make you laugh so hard it’d give you the fantods. Yes sir, he knew his onions. But he required all comers to rub his feet with olive oil and Gold Bond before he’d even deign tell you a joke. Even then he’d probably tell you one you already knew, which meant you’d have to come back next quarter moon and repeat the whole process. And God help you if he told you the same joke two times in a row. Nowadays you just pull the Jokemaster II out of its sheath, press a button, and faster than you can say Jack Robinson you got yourself a new joke, mister. How do you like them apples?

 OK, so none of that’s true. Cataloging jokes was pretty much taken care of with the invention of the printing press. But books, I mean, honestly. Who reads them anymore? When we want a new joke nowadays, we’d better kick down 30 bones for a gadget that will give one to us and is bigger than our cell phone. And who better to provide the jokes than Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling? Known as “The Man of a Thousand Jokes” (to me), Martling has spent his career painstakingly indexing every joke known to man. You may also know him from his work as lead writer of the Howard Stern show, so count on a lot of the jokes being along the lines of “Baba-booie baba-booie! Midget stripper tits! LOL”

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Why should I care about a joke-telling gadget?” Fair deuce, but just listen to some of the extra features it includes: a high-resolution touch-screen interface, built-in WiFi, Google Maps accessibility, push e-mail support from Yahoo, coverflow integration, and…oh wait, nevermind. This just tells you new jokes. It’ll probably make a good gift for your grandpa who likes to tell jokes and doesn’t trust any gadget unless it requires two AA batteries. Check out the website for a whole lineup of joke-telling devices from “The Joke Man”. It also may be the only place in the world outside my diary you can read the phrase, “Press the left eye, and out come more than 15 of the grossest fart, poop, and burp sounds ever.”

A prize to whoever comes up with the best punchline to the joke in the picture.