If Hollywood has taught us anything it’s that we need to fear the fuck out of the future - here is my top five reasons why.
1. In the future we will not be able to determine whether we are human or cyborg
Chief Offenders: Blade Runner, Battlestar Galactica
Sci-Fi movies have shown that the future will be so advanced that I won’t be able to tell the difference from the robot babysitter that I bang on Tuesdays from the human babysitter I bang on Thursdays.
Now that should scare the living shit out of you, because what if robot babysitter with the cute face but horrible personality finds out about the human babysitter who has a fat ass but does that AMAZING thing with her tongue? That’s right, a Cybernetic-Lesbian-Interracial-Treaty. CLIT would be so powerful, so overwhelming that no man could stand up to CLIT or any other CLITs that formed thus dooming us all.
2. Light Speed will not be possible without cheesy effects or nausea
Chief Offenders: 2001: A Space Odyssey, Star Wars
“Hey dad that star looks cool!”
“Yeah? You want to go check it out?
“I sure do!”
“Well it’s only fifteen light years away dumbass, why don’t I just kick you in the nuts right now and spin you in a circle for half an hour, it’ll be the same experience. Idiot.”
Also the future will have awesome parental abuse.
3. Aliens will not be our friends
Chief Offenders: Alien/Aliens/Alien3/Alien Resurrection, Predator/Predator 2
Screw Contact. Forget Close Encounters, the future will be nothing but bloodthirsty acid spitting, head hunting monsters. You see some sentimental extra terrestrial alien on the beach claiming to be your dad? Well you just drop kick him in the throat and get the hell out of there.
Contact sucked Jodie Fosters left nut.
4. Time travel will be possible but jerks in the past will still be too stupid to appreciate it
Chief Offenders: Back to the Future, anything starring Martin Lawrence
Imagine for a second that you’re name is Grog, you live in a cave and spend most of your day soiling yourself whilst walking around dragging one of your many sexual partners by their long blonde hair. Oh ya her name is Xena, why? Because Lucy Lawless is the hottest piece of warrior princess/cylon ass this generation will ever see - plus I’m writing this so sod off.
Now you, Grog, just finished pissing on your left leg when all the sudden BAM! Some jock from Westchester County High School magically shows up to your time armed with nothing more a football and ambition to form the roughest, toughest football team this side of the Mesolithic has never seen - all in the hopes of winning Xena’s heart and the respect he lost back in his own time. Dick.
This is how people from the year 2015 will see us: nothing but clueless half apes too mystified by time travel to actually appreciate it and therefore crap on ourselves.
This has become less of why the future will suck because of the future and more of a future will suck because of the past segment - deal with it.
5. The government will be way too interested in you
Chief Offenders: V for Vendetta, 1984
There seems to be one common theme in movies focusing on evil governmental dictatorships and that’s the loss of privacy but you would have to think that some situations might go a little too far.
During some super secret meeting with big brother, certain officials got the idea of “Let’s put camera’s everywhere: the streets, the rooftops and even bedrooms.”
As to one other high ranking official replied “So we can stop resistance movements before they begin?”
To which the perverted official said “Of course not, we’ll do it we can watch them sleep and take a crap all day!”
This is the future most of should fear the most. It means curfews, no freedoms and forces us to have secret sex with:
OH GOD BURN IT BURN IT!
So there you go, Big Brother is watching you … crap and make love to a human fur ball.
That’s it for part one. The future is scary so do whatever you can to not live in it, otherwise the Alien and Predator will come over to your place unexpectedly to gang rape your ass.
July 19th, 2007 at 10:36 am
According to psychic Sylvia Brown whom I saw on Montell Williams, the world comes to an en in 92 years. Yeah the future seems totally fupped.
July 19th, 2007 at 11:10 am
well 2001 already came and went and no crazy robots yet I think we’re ok for now.
July 19th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
or, have alien robots arrived here already using bright technicolor effects, and brandishing time travel kiosks to travel back and supplant key members of society…and we just didnt notice because we were distracted by hairy crotches….hmmmm..?
July 21st, 2007 at 11:10 pm
Hey, sounds like you have a suppressed obsession with actor John Hurt, since you mentioned his movies Contact, Alien, V for Vendetta and 1984.
July 22nd, 2007 at 5:57 am
Don’t forget Enemy of the State, that one had cameras in houses. I think Google earth is on to something…
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:39 am
I think John Hurt has a suspicious connection with the future
July 26th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
wat the f i dont understand and dont believe this shit but that robotbabysitter stuff was retarded
November 5th, 2007 at 8:18 am
you guys suck balls!
January 5th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
in the future Adam K. will still be girlfriendless.