For the past few weeks I’ve been hearing nothing but bad news for Spider-Man 3, which I had hoped the stories to be false. Well they’re not, so I want to save everyone out there ten bucks this weekend by giving you my top ten reasons to avoid this movie like men should avoid rape. But first a little unnecessary backstory of my own, inspired by the film:
About three years ago, I entered one of my first industry jobs as an intern for a Hollywood casting company. The movies they worked on consisted of B-grade horror movies like “The Messengers” and “Open Water 2″. The only real rewarding part of working for those pretentious douchebags was the continual promise that I would meet the producer of all these awful movies: Sam Raimi.
When I found this out my geek meter went into overdrive, not only would I meet one of my all time favorite directors, I could talk some Spider-Man info before he began actual production on part three. I was convinced that if they were going to give Spidey a third shot, they would have to introduce the symbiote, kill Mary Jane and leave Venom’s orgin for the end and use him as main villain in part four; going any other route would just mean death for the movie. My plan was simple: be the guy to make sure Sam Raimi didn’t screw it up.
My goal was to walk in, head held high and say something like this:
“Hey Mr. Raimi, how are you? I really loved all your movies, yes, even Dark Man and the whole Evil Dead series. But hey, don’t f-up Spider-Man 3 okay? What I mean is don’t do the same formulaic crap the first two movies did, don’t get me wrong, I loved them but come on. How many times can MJ get kidnapped and be used as part of a pivotal plot point? I’m asking you nicely, go dark on this one. How you ask? First, introduce some villain just for fodder, no backstory, no scenes from his perspective, make this one all about Peter.
Ok, now you know that symbiote from the comics? Well look, you don’t have to do anything like, say the Secret Wars to introduce the suit. The 90’s cartoon on FOX did an awesome job of doing it. Just send JJ’s son off to Mars or wherever, you’ll introduce the symbiote there and have it hitch a ride back to Earth. On the way back the pilots are attacked by the alien while trying to land, causing them to crash the space shuttle in New York. Spider-Man comes in saves the day, blah-blah, and the symbiote sneaks his way on Peter somehow, go ahead and get creative with this one. That night Peter goes home, has a symbolic dream of the alien suit taking him over and BAM! He wakes up on top of a building upside-down in the new black suit.
Now Peter has to deal with this alien attached to his body and deal with an inner struggle and not just some bad guy or financial problems. Have him almost kill that worthless villain we introduced in the beginning like Rhino or Shocker at a church. This is where Edie Brock is already heading to, ready to commit suicide because Spider-Man ruined his life. Now Spider-Man rips off the suit and runs from the church at which time the symbiote finds Brock. The two form Venom, who now knows everything about Peter. Go ahead and kill MJ, no one likes her anyway, she’s an idiot. Now here’s the kicker, Venom wins this one. He beats Spider-Man physically and mentally leaving him for dead, something no prior villain has done successfully. And there you go, a whole new set-up for Spider-Man 4, hell ya!”
I never had that meeting with Sam, I was fired because a label on a casting DVD was a bit blurry (that’s a whole other story) and in turn I am partly responsible for the new craptacualr Spider-Man movie coming out today and want to give my top reasons why you should not go see this shameful movie … ever.
Warning - SPOILERS
1. The symbiote comes from an attached meteor that lands right next to Peter in the middle of New York - Lazy
2. The black suit doesn’t give Spider-Man any extra powers - Stupid
3. MJ gets kidnapped and saved again - Lazy
4. When Peter turns evil, he turns emo by wearing eye liner and drooping his hair over his left eye - Wtf?
5. Sandman gets his powers because of a science experiment gone wrong - Lame
6. We’re supposed to feel sorry for Sandman - Repetitive
7. Peter doesn’t wear the black suit well into halfway through the movie - Lazy
8. They introduce Gwen Stacey (Black Cat) for no reason other than eye candy - Stupid
9. They introduce and kill Venom within 15 minutes - Lazy
10. Venom and Sandman team up - Really Gay
This kind of bad is on par with movies like X-Men 3 and Batman Forever. The cheese factor has been kicked up to eleven and I doubt the series will ever recover from this one.
[Thanks cakebite]
END SPOILERS
May 5th, 2007 at 8:16 am
I went and saw it and I agree on every level. It was overproduced and prehaps the sand man wasn’t even needed at all.
May 5th, 2007 at 10:17 am
I saw it yesterday as well and it was awful. Everything on that list is completely true. Throughout the movie I started to hate spider-man and just wished that Venom would kill everyone instead just to that I could actually crack a smile. Because that whole movie was just annoying and a waste of time the only good part was the concierge at the restaurant. Spider-man was extremely gay throughout the entire movie and I hated how they killed venom off at the end when they could’ve done SO much more in a Spider-man 4 or something.
May 7th, 2007 at 3:55 am
That was a pretty crappy review of the movie. It was kinda like watching Hobos talking about modern ways to cure cancer or something.
Two comments they made showed their ignorance.
they said “Why did the symbiote go for just Peter and not MJ or anyone else?”
Answer? Cause it can sense power and knew it wanted Peter as its host
Also “If Eddie could hear peter scream why didnt Peter hear eddie?”
Answer? Well who says Eddie heard Peter scream? He heard the bell looked up and thought he saw Peter. Also Peters ears probably were hurting because of the bell being so loud and standing right next to it he just wanted to get outta there.
oh and
2. The black suit doesn’t give Spider-Man any extra powers - Stupid
Well it did make him stronger and more agile. The main problem was that he could take the suit off which wasn’t possible. But you can also call foul on Ramey from giving him natural webbing in the first movie. Cause the Venom symbiote was the first time Peter could create webbing w/o his shooters in the comics which made it cooler.
8. They introduce Gwen Stacey (Black Cat) for no reason other than eye candy - Stupid
Whoever wrote this is pretty stupid. Gwen Stacey wasn’t ever the Black Cat.
I do agree with the suit thing. They should’ve put the Venom logo on it properly
May 8th, 2007 at 1:41 am
But Peter Parker is supposed to date Gwen Stacey after Mary Jane dies, and the Shocker is supposed to be the reason why Peter Parker was at the church. And Eddie Brock isn’t supposed to be so weasely (that’s probably Foreman’s fault, since he’s a dumbass).
Just saw the movie Monday night, it wasn’t terrible. The cheese was pretty smelly throughout the movie, and the Stan Lee cameo was refrickingdiculously unfricking believable. All in all, it wasn’t the best Spiderman movie, but at least it somewhat opens the door for my precious Carnage (another random meteorite anyone?).
Again, Mary Jane should be dead, so that Parker can mack on that precious Gwen Stacey. My Spidey sense is definitely tingling.
May 8th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Cameron have you ever picked up the Spider-man comic?
May 8th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
No, I can’t say that I have. I don’t really care for comics, and I watched the show a long time ago. I actually remember that Gwen Stacey should have died first, and that Mary Jane was Peter’s second love or something like that. So pretty much everything I said in the first and last paragraphs is fraudulent.
In light of the movie’s take on Peter’s love life, I still stand by my last statement that in the movie, Mary Jane should be dead and Peter should be making webs with Gwen. Rawr.
October 12th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
8. They introduce Gwen Stacey (Black Cat) for no reason other than eye candy - Stupid
Yeah, THAT’s REALLY STUPID! For saying that Gwen Stacy is Black Cat. Felicia Hardy IS Black Cat NOT Gwen Stacy. Know your comics people!!!!
Also, I hate the fact that Venom died in the movie
And I AGREE on every word that ryuuchiba said!
October 12th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
Only I think that the symbol on the suit was just fine and also… You guys ARE idiots in that video!!!
Spider-Man CANNOT Spider-Sense VENOM
READ THE COMICS AND WATCH THE SHOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One thing I agree on is that Peter did not Spider-Sense the meteorite with the symbiote when Peter and MJ are about to leave and that it did not fall anywhere else… Hence, Peter cannot Spider-Sense things from outer space when he is in a planet AND that the symbiote would have taken ANY HOST WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT in order to survive.
The battle between New Goblin and Peter was awesome! Why do you think that New Goblin lost in the first place? Its because New Goblin was inexperienced with battling someone that was totally experienced. Plus, when Harry was unconsious… OF COURSE he didn’t get the second chance until he remembered. I sort of agree with that ring part, though he coulda caught it in the air also being hit and it popped out of his hand.
I agree with the science experiment part that, that was stupid, but interesting how Flint Marko became Sandman
That scene with Gwen Stacy,,, She did NOT let go of the phone. THe receiver snapped out of the phone. But you should know that machines DO malfunction!
Ok… Clearly not smart… The reason why Spider-man was given the Key to the City was that he saved so many citizens AND took out the crooks on the streets. REMEMBER? Spider-man said to Sandman: I’m the sheirff around these parts. Just as Superman is in Metropolis and Batman the detective in Gotham City. Hello?
“Lay a kiss on me, baby?” Exact words?! You dunno shit, man. He said to Gwen, “Go on lay one on me.” The upside down kiss? THat’s the Spider-kiss, dude. Just like Batman that dance… It’s called the Batousi. This is why MJ was SO jealous and upset because it was Spider-man and MJ’s first kiss.
Harry Osborn just got a blowjob? THat’s mad funny. That could be true
Eyeliner? Dude try acting on film or on stage some time. You don’t have a fuckin choice, but to wear makeup and all that!
That part in the church… exatly note my words!!!!!!!!!!!